Shall I compare thee to a schnergy day?

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Nothing super-shocking about this guy, but I was hanging outside a store in Kensington Market (waiting for my wife, mother, and mother-in-law to finish browsing) and this guy was reading his poetry at full volume. It was so bad it drove me back indoors to hang with three power-shopping female relatives on what had been a beautiful day.

You don’t need to be an English major from our nation’s top school to understand how bad this poetry was. As chance would have it, I happen to be an English major from this nation’s top school, so I really understood just how bad it was. The underlying theme was that some chick dumped him. No wonder – maybe because you read awful poetry in the streets of Toronto, you nitwit.

He was reading it like he was a “slam” poet, but a white one. Sort of like when your Uncle tries to rap. His meter was all messed up and it was really monotonous.

His sign says “Cosmic Stories” and I think he was expecting people to put money in the hat. I almost barfed in it.

Newsflash: Allen Ginsberg died. Go back to your cafe, snap your fingers to the beat, put your beret back on and cry in your coffee.

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world’s worst frisbee game

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So I went down to Ashbridges Bay on our Holiday Monday to celebrate the birth of  Queen Victoria.  What a babe! And she knows how to party!

Anyhow, the beach was rammed, mostly with people playing volleyball at about 750 volleyball nets they have set up, which take over the entire beach. The people that weren’t doing volleyball were lined up for the bathroom, which for girls meant waiting at least six hours to take a piss. A LOT of girls were going into the bathrooms barefoot. At the beach. Pretty damn disgusting.

But  one couple in particular really caught my eye. This video doesn’t do it justice (captured with my iPhone, since I didn’t bring my camcorder – what was I thinking? That there would be no schnergs at the beach?) but this truly was the worst game of Frisbee ever.

For starters, they’re standing about 1 meter apart. Next, there’s about 25,000 people walking through their flight path at any given moment. But mostly, they simply don’t know how to catch or throw a frisbee. Towards the end they start doing this weird wind-up torquing motion that actually seems to help them, but still. I’ve never seen anything like it.

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I am a really, REALLY mean person. (Or, Pulp Kitchen gives vegans a bad name.)

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If there’s one thing I am good at, it’s holding a grudge. Butted in front of me at the high-school cafeteria? I remember. Borrowed five bucks from me and never paid it back? I’m calculating the interest ten years later. Buggered me with the tabernacle right before Christmas Mass? I’m making sure Jesus knows about it as you’re breathing your last breaths. And when I forget, I’ve got my handy email history to remind me of all the wrongs I’ve been wronged, like the email exchange below.

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schnergasm

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You know you’ve got a professional schnerg on your hands when it’s completely unnecessary to write anything creative and just cut-&-paste from the guy’s website: Destin Gerek is the original Erotic Rockstar (TM)

Add the fact that he’s got a California-issued license as a certified masturbator (yes, I am serious, see the video link below,) and I present part one of our investigative series on this west coast schnergburg.

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schnerg flake

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“Hey kids! Howsabout I cut off your foreskin, feed you corn flakes, then pump yogurt up your butt?? Hold on – I didn’t say anything about the black kids and the white kids enjoying this fun together! Back of the bus, LeBron.”

Oh, John Kellogg, you are one nutty professor. So nutty that you patented a way to make peanut butter! And so nutty that you are The Schnerg List’s first ever historical schnerg, or what we call a “Dusty Musty Schnerg Crusty.”

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Two turntables and a microphone (and a camera, a CD player, a funny hat…)

Today marks the first installment of “Cyber Schnergs,” and I’m super excited about it.

Sometimes a cyberschnerg is caught on tape by a Good Samaritan doing their best to spread the schnerg word.

Other times, like today’s entry, they aren’t happy ruining just the lives of people they know, but have to broadcast themselves to the masses.

Anyhow, the stars are aligned here (even if the music isn’t):

– goofy hat

– in parents’ basement

– talking to camera

– talking to turntables

– not using headphones to mix, so he’s clearly lined this all up ahead of time so that they’d be semi-in sync (cheating)

– “that’s that one! that’s that one! that’s that one! that’s that one!”

– bad records

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Strombone Mouthpiece

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Ok, Mister Studio Line from L’Oreal.  Ok, Mister Puppy Dog Eyes.  Enough already.  You call yourself “Strombo.”  That alone gets you on the list.

So yeah. You’ve been a schnerg since your days on MuchMusic.  I don’t know what happened to the quality controls there, but: Erica Ehm, Steve Anthony, Sook-Yin Lee and …. you?  How did you slip through the cracks?  Was there an equal opportunity employment drive at Much the day you filled out the application and listed “Massive Giant Horrific Schnerg” as a disability?  Well guess what Georgy-Boy.  It’s a permanent impairment in your case.

Strombo??

Why the long face, George?

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