Archive for the ‘Schnerg List’ Category

I am a really, REALLY mean person. (Or, Pulp Kitchen gives vegans a bad name.)

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If there’s one thing I am good at, it’s holding a grudge. Butted in front of me at the high-school cafeteria? I remember. Borrowed five bucks from me and never paid it back? I’m calculating the interest ten years later. Buggered me with the tabernacle right before Christmas Mass? I’m making sure Jesus knows about it as you’re breathing your last breaths. And when I forget, I’ve got my handy email history to remind me of all the wrongs I’ve been wronged, like the email exchange below.

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schnergasm

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You know you’ve got a professional schnerg on your hands when it’s completely unnecessary to write anything creative and just cut-&-paste from the guy’s website: Destin Gerek is the original Erotic Rockstar (TM)

Add the fact that he’s got a California-issued license as a certified masturbator (yes, I am serious, see the video link below,) and I present part one of our investigative series on this west coast schnergburg.

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Strombone Mouthpiece

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Ok, Mister Studio Line from L’Oreal.  Ok, Mister Puppy Dog Eyes.  Enough already.  You call yourself “Strombo.”  That alone gets you on the list.

So yeah. You’ve been a schnerg since your days on MuchMusic.  I don’t know what happened to the quality controls there, but: Erica Ehm, Steve Anthony, Sook-Yin Lee and …. you?  How did you slip through the cracks?  Was there an equal opportunity employment drive at Much the day you filled out the application and listed “Massive Giant Horrific Schnerg” as a disability?  Well guess what Georgy-Boy.  It’s a permanent impairment in your case.

Strombo??

Why the long face, George?

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Schnerg-inger’s Cat

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Quantum physics, keep your dead cat in the box. Or your alive cat in the box. Or your semi-concsious cat that may or may not be in the box. Either way, who cares? You’re going to blow us to smithereens anyhow, even though we won’t know it, because we’ll be shot backwards in time when you do, to a moment before you did it. That shit is just too confusing.

So while you’re looking for string theory to explain how an electron can be in two places at once, or whatever, we’re going to solve the mystery of the Quantum Schnerg: How is Marc Wootton, a certified non-schnerg, able to play the role of three schnergs AT THE SAME TIME? And even more puzzling, how can three schnergs expose the schnerginess of a city of schnergs?

North Americans, you may be unaware of Mr. Wootton, but that will soon change. When you see his newest show, La La Land, everything you thought was decent and right deep down inside the human soul will be erased. Meet schnerg #1, aspiring actor Gary Garner

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Bellini sandwich, extra mustard

If a pimento loaf could walk, talk, and report from Afghanistan, Jason Bellini would be on the Pimento List. But since a pimento loaf is an inanimate luncheon meat, Bellini’s name starts off The Schnerglist.

Bellini is a reporter of sorts, although his career seems to have rapidly descended, going from CNN war-zone correspondent to video-blogger on Logo news, the gay news network. Now he’s at Bloomberg, the financial news network.

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