schnerg flake

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“Hey kids! Howsabout I cut off your foreskin, feed you corn flakes, then pump yogurt up your butt?? Hold on – I didn’t say anything about the black kids and the white kids enjoying this fun together! Back of the bus, LeBron.”

Oh, John Kellogg, you are one nutty professor. So nutty that you patented a way to make peanut butter! And so nutty that you are The Schnerg List’s first ever historical schnerg, or what we call a “Dusty Musty Schnerg Crusty.”

If you were a kid growing up in Michigan between 1875 and 1940 you didn’t need to imagine the boogey man, monsters under the bed, or a crippling financial depression that would compel your parents to eat shoe leather and jump off buildings. You had John Kellogg nightmares instead!

As the chief medical officer of the Battle Creek Sanitarium, Johnny Yogurtseed practiced his sexual/medical quackery on unsuspecting boys and girls for decades. Small boys who masturbate too much? Circumcise them without anesthetic. Girls playing with their privates? Pour battery acid on their crotches. Dr. Kellogg may have been popular with puritans, but I think I prefer  Doctor Ruth.

“Upset stomach? Tired aching muscles? Eat some yogurt, and while I’m at it, pump more yogurt up your ass. That should fix you up.”

This kid won't be smiling for long.

Too bad Kellogg never met Sigmund Freud, who I think would have a lot to say about shoving tubes up kids butts and slicing off their privates. (Thank God I didn’t grow up in 19th-century Michigan; J-Kell would have had a seizure if he knew about my horrible habits!)

When Kellogg wasn’t busy doling out his sage dietary and medical wisdom, he liked to relax, as most doctors do. And, like most doctors, he enjoyed golf. Not the part where you smack a ball hundreds of yards with a stick, but the part where white people and black people don’t mix. He enjoyed that so much, he started the Race Betterment Foundation and supported eugenics and segregation. Sounds like somebody else I know!

Imagine if Kellogg had met Tiger Woods? A sexual deviant of color excelling at the white man’s game? I wonder how many gallons of  yogurt it would take to fix that.

Time has passed, and although Kellogg’s legacy lives on in the form of a breakfast cereal, one question remains:

Do I use fruit bottom, or plain?

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One response to this post.

  1. […] “Schnerg Flake,” The Schnerg List. This is an article about Thomas Kellogg written for a humorous website. https://schnerg.wordpress.com/2010/04/27/schnerg-flake/ […]

    Reply

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