Schnerg-inger’s Cat

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Quantum physics, keep your dead cat in the box. Or your alive cat in the box. Or your semi-concsious cat that may or may not be in the box. Either way, who cares? You’re going to blow us to smithereens anyhow, even though we won’t know it, because we’ll be shot backwards in time when you do, to a moment before you did it. That shit is just too confusing.

So while you’re looking for string theory to explain how an electron can be in two places at once, or whatever, we’re going to solve the mystery of the Quantum Schnerg: How is Marc Wootton, a certified non-schnerg, able to play the role of three schnergs AT THE SAME TIME? And even more puzzling, how can three schnergs expose the schnerginess of a city of schnergs?

North Americans, you may be unaware of Mr. Wootton, but that will soon change. When you see his newest show, La La Land, everything you thought was decent and right deep down inside the human soul will be erased. Meet schnerg #1, aspiring actor Gary Garner

So before we go further, it’s important to know that in all of these scenes, Wootton is the only person aware the situation is staged. If we’d never seen Borat or Da Ali G Show, this would be the most groundbreaking comedy in years. But while Wootton isn’t the first Brit to prey on unsuspecting Americans, I think he’s actually better. His characters aren’t so ridiculous or far out, and in some cases they go to greater lengths to get a laugh. (And people who know me, know that I am a huge Sascha Baron Cohen fan, so I don’t say this lightly.)

Gary Garner’s journey from London to Hollywood highlights not only how big a schnerg the character is (my favourite Gary quote, when asked how he will introduce himself at a networking event, is “I’m Gary Garner, the bestest actor in the world ever. Bish. Bash. Bosh.”) but also highlights how schnergy the entertainment industry is. Do schnergs attact schnergs? More questions to be pondered by science.

The second character in La La Land is Brendan Allen, deadbeat dad, documentary filmmaker, and probably the most pathetic on the show. In this scene, he’s coerced somebody on the street into impersonating a biologist and releasing a condor into the wild. The fact that people in L.A. will go to these lengths to get a tiny sliver of the limelight is appalling and schnergy all at once:

But the character that steals the show is undoubtedly Shirley Ghostman, psychic superstar. After being disgraced in the UK, Shirley has come to LA to re-invent himself. Too bad he didn’t leave the penchant for slipping people ruphees, the white suit, and the closeted sexuality behind also. In this scene, he helps a private investigator tail a suspected cheating husband, and tries a little too hard to gather evidence.

La La Land appears on Showtime network, and frankly they’re a bit schnergy for posting these clips – they’re good, but there’s much better to be had on the program.

So, as this graph illustrates, Marc Wootoon is not a schnerg. But the characters he plays are schnergy. BUT  these schnergy characters expose other schnergs, thereby multiplying a negative by a negative, and creating a positive overall schnerg equation.

And as for the cat, it’s not in the box anymore, because it evolved, used its opposable thumbs to open the box, and is going to walk to the physics lab, look you in the eye, and ask why you did that experiment on him.

**with special thanks to Tomoko for posing the Wootton hypothesis.

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One response to this post.

  1. Brilliant graph! And how sweet of you to give me special thanks. 🙂


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