take me out to the ballgame…take me out with the schnerrrrgs

Last night’s Blue Jays home opener was one of the most well-attended games I’ve ever seen at the Skydome–at least since the 90s, when we actually had a winning team.

I could probably write about the schnerginess of the Jays and there’d be material for the next several years, but today’s schnerg is all about the fans. It’s been unseasonably warm this winter/spring and so even though it was only about 50 degrees, (Farenheit is better, sorry guys), you had at least 20,000 people in shorts. Thank God they kept the dome closed because I was freezing.

schnergs at the ballgame

Left side: stylish couple; Centre top: Bratty kid; Upper right, business schnerg; Bottom centre and right - nagging hero.

First on today’s list is the happy couple. I mean, the 90s were great and all – what decade could boast hits as diverse as “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” “Can’t Touch This,” and “Rico Suave?” — but come on. Bicycle shorts underneath an oversize shirt? And then to top it off, the jersey she’s wearing is for a guy that botched up a triple play and is now what I bet is a pyramid scheme selling AmWay.

Her boyfriend isn’t much better, although the shorts are less offensive and the jersey is for a better player, even though really Roberto Alomar will go down in the hearts of Canadian fans not for his baseball heroics, or for spitting in an umpire’s face and heckling his dead son, but for his punchline “Catch The Taste!”

Inside the stadium things didn’t get a lot better. The little shit next to me was there with his mom, and neither of them said hello when I smiled and said “Good evening” at the start of the game. Like, we have to sit next to each other for 3 hours or more – let’s be polite.  Then his delinquent father showed up and they shared two seats for three people. Special props to the lady in the red sweatshirt for  telling them they needed to settle down and stop distracting people. She really laid into them when dad started bouncing him on his knee. That was awesome.

Taking her photo was tough, i was using the iPhone backwards over my shoulder causal technique so she didn’t clue in. Now that I see her face, she doesn’t look like too hard to fool after all.  (I liked her even though her shirt says The Jays are “Canada’s First,” which is wrong no matter how you look at it. The Expos joined MLB earlier, and our first World Series was 1992.)

Next, again with retro 90s theme, is the schnerg that wore his Tip Top Tailor suit to the ballgame. I really thought that whole classy-Jays-game trend ended a long time ago. I mean, if you have a really nice suit, and you are in a luxury box, and you’re a pimp, then for sure, wear a suit. But if you’re some yutz that’s just postpoining the commute from downtown to Barrie, at least take your swipe card off. Really, you can just walk in and out of the doors at Skydome, you don’t need security access permissions. And either take the tie off, or wear it. The whole “loosen the tie at the ballgame” vibe isn’t working. Did I mention I hate that swipe card.**

Last but not least, to all the people that booed former Jay Alex Rios every time he was at bat or made a play: that was schnergy. Here’s a guy that our lousy management signed prematurely to a huge deal, and then  traded him for nothing because they made a mistake paying him so much. Boo JP Ricciardi at his house or something. This isn’t Vince Carter – there’s a villain we can hate.

The Jays lost in extra innings, in case you cared.

**Schnergmaster Tip of the Day: I’ve worked in offices before, and I know that swipe cards are a necessity at times. You can put that card in your wallet, carry your wallet around, and hold your wallet up to the sensor. The reader is powerful enough to recognize the card in your wallet, and voila! you are no longer a card-carrying schnerg.


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